Lessons in Caring for People... and Violets

I woke up this morning groggy and really sore. Couch sleeping will do that to you. I also awoke with a desire for some sort of anxiety pill. Anything to take the edge off of my constant state of unease.

No such luck, though. Just suck it up and figure out how to push through. It's what I do.

So, here I am. I've been out of town since Wednesday night, making myself completely available to a man who is emotionally unavailable to me. In reality, though, I am making myself available to his mother.

After a horrible wreck two weeks ago, she needed surgery. I came to help with anything she needed, as well as emotional support for him. The interesting thing was how she and I connected while we waited on him to park and come inside. That was our first opportunity for "girl talk," and I was so happy we had that moment.

Today, I am here caring for her, and I have to say, I have thoroughly enjoyed her company. I feel like the anxiety I woke with this morning slowly slipped from my heart during our chats. I enjoyed seeing her smile and we laughed at the frustration of pillows not being just right.

As we sat and chatted at the kitchen table, sipping coffee together, there was a wave of peace between us both. A sense of calm. We both sighed without saying a thing, and I knew this was helping her heal. And it dawned on me she wasn't the only one receiving healing at that moment.

After the kitchen was clean and blankets were folded, and she was comfortable, I got to thinking later how the violets I got her probably needed to be replanted. When I pulled them out of the cute little basket with butterflies glued along the handle, I realized there was a liner inside where it will hold water. What a nice surprise! So I poured a small amount of water inside and opened the blinds to let in a an equally small amount of sunshine. That's all they needed. Just the tiniest amount of water and sun gives the violets the perfect conditions for a continuous blossom.

Isn't that the case with all of us, though? Tender loving care even in the smallest form, if done with joy in our heart and peace in our soul, can have a huge impact on another human being. Why would I give more attention and love to my car that needs a bath, my cowgirl boots that need shining, my hair that needs roots done, etc. than I do to someone close to me?

It made each aspect of hearing my name called that much more a sense of duty and respect to jump up and be of service. Who am I to complain? I wasn't in a car wreck. I didn't go from complete independence to relying on others to do basic necessities.

Throughout today, my thoughts have run wild about miracles and trials, blessings and stress. Listening again to her story of the accident made me realize something so incredibly simple, yet to me was absolutely profound:
Lives are precious. And temporary.
You matter.
I matter.
We all need to be reminded how much we matter to one another.
Sometimes, all it takes is a little sunshine, and a pouring out of the soul.

What is Love?

First, did the title immediately make you sing a line from Haddaway's version? I did!!
BUT... I was being completely sincere in my question.

What IS love? That four letter word has been the bane of human existence probably since the dawn of time. Why is it we can conquer the ability to fly, go to the moon, build unimaginable creations for humans to advance, but the concept of love is still amazingly taboo.

I generally go straight to the Bible for my answers on love. From what Jesus taught, love is a matter of sacrifice. Yeah, there's the 1 Cor 13 list, but how can you express patience without sacrifice?

For example.
The flesh, or our human nature- instinct if you will- desires satisfaction. Think of Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. "I Want it NOW!

Being selfish doesn't have to be a child grabbing a toy. Adults probably show more signs of selfishness than children. I think sometimes it stems from the thought of being an adult entitles one to act and expect certain things to happen the way they want it to.

Sometimes, smiling and nodding at a stranger is a sacrifice. I may feel like absolute crap, or maybe I have been in a frustrating situation, but that person does not deserve my anger. No one does.

Humans are emotional creatures. Why? For Christians, we believe it is a way to connect to our creator. He expressed the utmost love to us; he even showed anger and disappointment. God is an emotional being, and he craves our love for him.

Love. Such a hard concept to master. Yet, in reality, it is one of the easiest things you can do to improve the quality of someone's life.

1 Cor 13
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

In other words...
Everyone on Earth craves affection. Everyone craves gentleness and kindness, modesty and confidence, respect and forgiveness, amd especially peace.

Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself."
This is yet another dilemma people of today struggle deeply with. Self-love is not the same as loving ones self. If you always put yourself on the throne of your life, everyone else will end up falling short of your superiority. If your focus is always how others affect you, how others annoy you, how others don't meet your needs, there is genuinely something wrong.

Instead, loving yourself indicates value in your presence in other's lives. How can you better the other person's day, life, situation? What is your skill set to be a benefit to others? What do you value about yourself to show others through your sacrificial love? REGARDLESS if the other person shows IMMEDIATE appreciation. That isn't WHY someone sacrifices.

Simple example:
One should never wash someone's car as a favor and be mad when they didn't thank you correctly. That defeats the point in your act of service, sacrificing your time and energy for someone else. Losing your cool and not continuing to show love will wipe away the act completely, and it will all be for naught.
Instead, show love. Sacrifice the need to bite someone's head off and watch as the love you showed smooths the prickly edges of your conquest. When they call you up and say, "Hey...did I say thank you for ___... I meant to, but I was having a hard time with ___" and you will find peace in knowing you touched someone's soul that day.

That, my fellow humans, that is Love.

Longing to be Dancing With the Daffodils

In the midst of all this dreary weather, I find myself longing for warmth. Yes, with all this cold there's the benefit of fire places and warm cozy blankets curled up with the one you love, but that's not my reality.

I drove to work this morning with a new perspective on what I thought was my love life. The rain didn't help my mood, and I kept wondering if my head would explode from all of my thoughts not yet addressed and from the pressure on my sinuses.

In my mind, for two months (I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but to me it felt like so much more), I had a love life. But recently, I realized I was the only one in that life of love. I was giving of myself so much that I neglected things that make me who I am. I constantly wrestled with the idea of putting myself a little bit higher of a priority, but for the sake of love, I didn't.

Patience, sacrifice, and long suffering were the bulk of how I existed in this relationship. My friends thought I was crazy. I thought I was in love.

Could it be I was simply desperate to be loved in return? That's the conclusion I have made so far. I think deep down that if I rubbed his feet every time he asked, did activities he wanted to do, let him do all the talking, etc etc, he would see how important I saw him and he would love me.

How dumb.
How absolutely ridiculous.

I am smart. I have beautiful things to say. I have a gift of loving others in the midst of their immaturity and ignorance, aka patience and long suffering. I am a beautiful person inside and out. However, I am not perfect. And despite my efforts to be the best possible person and give my absolute best, I will always fall short because I am not and never will be perfect. But at least I tried. As I always will. Only from now on, I will no longer neglect the things that make me...me.

I will love myself first. I will give of myself 100%. And I will expect nothing less in return.

And now, I see the daffodils, dancing all in rows. Smiling and singing songs of cheer.

First the boiler steams, and then it goes BOOM

For someone who is extremely passive aggressive  (doormat quality), I don't deal very well with anger. When I get angry, I turn into a blubbering idiot making absolutely no sense. I figured out a long time ago, during my marriage and in a fit of frustration, that my brain tends to blend and fuse my thoughts into that of Lewis Carol lingo...Jabberwocky speak if you will. (Yelling "gidgets and gazmos" instead of "gadgets and gizmos" for example)

But one thing that has always been my forte is words!  So why do I clam up and lose my focus when I am upset? I still haven't figured out the "why." Instead, I learned how to avoid embarrassing myself by calming down and using my gift of logic. I'm not ashamed to say I have logic and wisdom. In fact, I am proud of those traits. ("Joy with a point")
Here's the drawback to waiting: A lot of the time, I lose my chance. The other person has completely moved on from the issue (generally thinking he or she is right due to my silence) and bringing it up again makes for more fighting.

And believe you me, I detest conflict.

So unless I have the floor to express said logic and wisdom, and unless I know that what I have to say will be respected and listened to, I have, as of late, managed to keep my thoughts to myself.

Well, there I was, sitting at work looking out of my patient's window trying not to explode. And as nature tends to do for me, I realized a few things going on in my own spirit.

You see, this window only lets me see a portion of the dreary grey skies. I feel the angst the sun is feeling, begging to be seen. I feel the battle of winter holding on with all its might, and Spring gently waving her arms saying, "Hey, it's my turn!" But winter just won't concede! And I feel it all.

I feel the frozen dreary grey happening in my own life. I can't let winter hold on to me. It's chilling me, numbing me. I need sunshine. I need Spring. I don't want to explode in this bitterness. I want to explode in the sweet fragrance of tulips, lilies, and daffodils!

And the only way I could do that was to let go of the angst. Let go of the hurt. Write it out, use my words and let logic and wisdom fill the blank spaces that someone else is incapable of filling for me.

Reflections on a Snow Covered Rooftop

This evening has been so incredibly quiet. And it just so happens to have been exactly what I needed... along with a nice bottle of rum and Dr. Pepper on hand. 

Since I first moved into this loft, the sounds of city life have been a constant. Yet, tonight is a night when mother nature insisted on quieting the busiest parts of town with ice, snow, and bitter cold. 

After a long day at work, I braved the frozen black pond that was Albert Pike Rd. and ventured home where a hot bath was calling my name. I expected the crazies on the road to make my journey treacherous or foolish, but I was met with very few cars traveling my direction. Driving fifteen to twenty miles an hour was actually extremely liberating. 

I wasn't surprised to see so many stores closed. Lights were off and parking lots were empty at only 5:30 in the evening. Very unusual for a Monday, but not under conditions like we had today.

My car stereo was off. I could hear the sloshing of icy puddles along the side of the road. The cracking of the ice on my windshield kept me present and alert. With each turn, my front wheel drive Ford did a slight slide in the rear along the ice...and can you believe I actually enjoyed it a little? Shhh...don't tell.

So it was just me and the frozen road. Well, me and the frozen road and my thoughts. I realized about a quarter of my drive home that I have been neglecting my thoughts. I have been pushing them down into the deepest reserves of my think tank. "No time for those, Joy. You're going to over-think things. Just live!" That's my usual persistent notion to myself as thoughts of worry, curiosity, concern, intrigue, or thoughts of frustration cross my path. I've always been taught to "Just Pray" and not let the worries of the world bring me down. 

But sometimes, it's good to over-think. It helps my mind free itself of those feelings I listed above.

You see, I have a few concerns that tend to boil up to the surface, and the majority of the time I feel extremely helpless. This is why I break out the clanking pots and lids and Tupperware containers and shove them away for a later date.  But really, truthfully, that is not me. And it depresses me on such a deep, excruciating level. I have always been able to plan and implement that plan with such precision. Yet over the last few years, I seem to have lost myself. I've lost that drive to be amazing! Divorce will do that to you... so will dating the wrong people after a divorce, which in turn makes things all the more depressing. Constantly asking myself "Will I ever get to be happy? Do I deserve to be happy? Is this one the right one?" 

Then there's the ever-nagging reminder that I need to get back to my career--ya know, the thing I went to school to do--teaching English. Sigh... After so many failed attempts, after an inability to punch through the wall of "Who you know" and the wall of "lack of experience," I gave up. Three years teaching in a small school, doing what I loved, I left in absolute frustration and completely defeated by a boss who found me incompetent and a husband who found me unlovable. Now I don't have a single clue what I'm going to do with my life.

See, this kind of stuff, if left neglected, will drive a person bonkers. I'm almost there.
I thought having a boyfriend would help me talk a lot of these things out, help guide my passions into the direction they're meant to go. Instead, I find myself clamming up, afraid to talk, afraid to bore him or anyone else to death with my incessant whining and sadness. 

But something happened tonight on that peaceful rooftop. I stood there, left only with my thoughts, and they so overwhelmed me that I became extremely broken. I listened to myself as I cried for the first time in a very long time. Truly cried. I heard my own heart breaking, and I listened. I decided right then and there that I was no longer going to neglect that part of myself. If these thoughts are too much for any one person to hear, then maybe I will let my fingers do the talking from now on. Maybe this blog is exactly what I needed for this moment in my life. Because my heart, she has so much to say...if only I will listen.