Longing to be Dancing With the Daffodils

In the midst of all this dreary weather, I find myself longing for warmth. Yes, with all this cold there's the benefit of fire places and warm cozy blankets curled up with the one you love, but that's not my reality.

I drove to work this morning with a new perspective on what I thought was my love life. The rain didn't help my mood, and I kept wondering if my head would explode from all of my thoughts not yet addressed and from the pressure on my sinuses.

In my mind, for two months (I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but to me it felt like so much more), I had a love life. But recently, I realized I was the only one in that life of love. I was giving of myself so much that I neglected things that make me who I am. I constantly wrestled with the idea of putting myself a little bit higher of a priority, but for the sake of love, I didn't.

Patience, sacrifice, and long suffering were the bulk of how I existed in this relationship. My friends thought I was crazy. I thought I was in love.

Could it be I was simply desperate to be loved in return? That's the conclusion I have made so far. I think deep down that if I rubbed his feet every time he asked, did activities he wanted to do, let him do all the talking, etc etc, he would see how important I saw him and he would love me.

How dumb.
How absolutely ridiculous.

I am smart. I have beautiful things to say. I have a gift of loving others in the midst of their immaturity and ignorance, aka patience and long suffering. I am a beautiful person inside and out. However, I am not perfect. And despite my efforts to be the best possible person and give my absolute best, I will always fall short because I am not and never will be perfect. But at least I tried. As I always will. Only from now on, I will no longer neglect the things that make me...me.

I will love myself first. I will give of myself 100%. And I will expect nothing less in return.

And now, I see the daffodils, dancing all in rows. Smiling and singing songs of cheer.