Oh Sun, I Remember You!

Today was such a prime example of Arkansas weather. We woke up to a layer of ice on the ground with a few inches of snow on top. It was absolutely gorgeous.

And then it quickly began to melt.

The kids (all four of them) and I decided to try the roof for some adventure. The last time it snowed and I explored the roof, I had a crying breakthrough. Today, it was filled with laughter and snowball fights. They were having so much fun that I was absolutely distracted from all of my woes. We only lasted about fifteen minutes as we weren't properly dressed and the wind wasn't exactly kind to us. But those fifteen minutes put a ton of joy back into my soul.

As the day progressed, we watched as the parking lot completely melted and dried by about noon. The sun came out in full force and everyone stood outside, hands up welcoming the warmth. That's all we needed. Warmth. Love. Happiness.

I know today was filled with moments of frustration and bickering, fun and laughter, but I know the fun in the snow and our moment with the sun is what will likely stick with all of us. It's interesting how the mind generally holds on to the memories of moments we loved or loathed, so there must be limited space for mediocre moments.

I don't want a life full of mediocre moments. I want a memorable life. I want memorable days. The only way I can imagine attaining that goal is by always seeing things in a new way. Taking a new route or talking to someone I haven't seen in a while. Most importantly, I can't let others turn my life into the mundane. I will not become numb to negative, hopeless dribble.

No, I will see the world and all its glory each day with the thought of "what sort of fanciful things will I do today?"

Can You Meet Me Halfway?

What is it with me correlating my thoughts to songs lately? HA! Thank you Black Eyed Peas for a little inspiration.
May the muses be with you!

Today was an extremely challenging day. It started with a two hour endeavor trying to get my lady from her bed to the wheelchair to the commode. After multiple attempts with help from three different caregivers, and after I hurt my back once again, we finally ended up putting this sweet lady back in bed. There was absolutely nothing more we can do.

The problem was fear. She was afraid to use her legs because she feared they would fail her. Instead of risking the brief pain and pushing through that fear, she ended up punishing herself by staying in bed. It broke my heart to see her like that. I felt completely helpless.

As I sat with her today, I couldn't help but see an extremely important life lesson through that experience. I watched as she gave up. I literally did all that I could, but she wasn't willing to meet me halfway. (It's hard not to sing that line as I type it)

I realized this afternoon that my issues as of late with my relationships stem from that exact dilemma. When someone doesn't meet you in the middle, the other person ends up getting hurt. Of course now I am speaking of emotional pain. One person suffers at the sake of someone else's fear and refusal to be balanced in whatever type of relationship that it is.

Taking on extreme weight of the other person, whether it be favors, attention, their own struggles, time, money ... the list goes on and on! Eventually, the other person is going to snap.

At that moment, after I have realized that I allowed myself to be physically injured by her lack of effort, I also realized I was allowing myself to be neglected and unloved emotionally. And that isn't right. I should have pulled back and waited for assistance with my lady instead of putting myself in a position to be hurt. Now I can't do basic things I need to do. I also shouldn't let others stay in my life who are not willing to meet me in the middle, carry half the weight. I allowed myself to get hurt emotionally by holding on to dead weight, and this causes me to be depressed and frustrated,  making me useless to those who deserve my all and my everything, like my kids.

So that's where I am at. Standing at the borderline where I will wait for you. My b borderline is visible, and crossing it will not do either of us any good.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Once again, another song popped in my head when I thought about my subject matter for today. Look it up. Neil Sedaka, Breaking Up is Hard to Do. Oldie but goodie.

So when was the last time you ended a relationship based on what that relationship actually brought to the table? From my experience, and from my observation of friends, family, etc., I see a continuous pattern of relationships ending in a "blow up" instead of a "break up."

Why do we wait until it is at the utmost boiling point of frustration? For me,I continuously have hope that one day things will change and the desired outcome will happen. I almost martyr myself through the situation thinking these people will really see me, value me, respect me. But in reality, those things will never exist because I have given them no reason to.

When it comes to raising children, I have learned that they truly desire consistent authority. They don't need a "mean mom." They need someone to mean what she says. My kids have learned I mean what I say. It was an exhausting ten years with my oldest, but now when she gets in the car and I say, "buckle up," she doesn't hesitate. And she says, "Yes ma'am." She does it because she respects my consistent behavior to her. She respects my boundaries.

Don't get me wrong. She still has her moments as she always will. She's human, and still has a lot of developing to do.

So then if creating boundaries for a child worked (in my opinion) so well, why do I struggle with setting them for...well, everyone else?

Why do I let people snap at me? Ever.
Why do I let certain people dictate how I spend my free time with absolutely no consideration for my desires and needs?
Why do I let anyone control any aspect of my life? My happiness? My security? My hopes, dreams?

I'm actually incredibly secure emotionally. I have no doubts of my worth.
I value myself.
I know I have a LOT to give.
I am extremely good at loving.

But some people don't know this about me, or they do and they would rather continue to take from me without ever giving of themselves.

Why does this always happen to me? It's something I have seriously been struggling with. And I realized...

It's because I didn't stand up for myself.

I shouldn't have to "defend myself" to someone who I care about and says he/she cares about me. Why would anyone who cares about me, genuinely has emotional attachments, give me reason to feel judged or dissected enough to feel the need for defensive action? If that happens, they are trying to make me into something I am not. Therefore, they do not truly love who I am, nor do they value my contribution to the relationship.

So...

I am at the point in my life where being a doormat has to end. I will still smile at strangers. I will still show love to those that don't always deserve it. But I will not suffer my soul anymore to anyone not showing me the same courtesy. I will walk away and know that breaking up with you was actually pretty easy.

Keepin' it Real

I have been trying to teach my ten year old the concept of priorities.

Everything has it's level of importance, but how do I teach her what is the most important? This isn't anything new with us. It seems to be an ongoing lesson with both of my children (the other being eight years old), but lately my eldest has shown signs of a pre-teen or "tween" attitude that occasionally needs to be adjusted.

Last night, she and I had a very extensive talk regarding the point of doing well now in school as opposed to focusing on it later when tracking one's GPA and extra curricular activities are going on. I explained about the job market being extremely tough now, and she should imagine the difficulty in eight years. The interesting thing came after our discussion about GPA calculations and clubs and scholarships, etc. She asked me what it was I hoped for her by that point in her life.

I told her that my ultimate goal was that she and my youngest both could shine on their graduating stage with honors. I told her that she was blessed with natural abilities that shouldn't be wasted as she continues to mature. But what I said next made her really perk up to my challenge.

I explained my own lack of effort in school and my inability to get scholarships, thus making college life extremely difficult. I pointed out that I have a degree from a decent school, but not one that screams "Hire me!" And for that I have not worked in my field in 2 years. But most importantly, I wanted her to know that I would always love her no matter what. I want the absolute best for both of my baby girls. I have sacrificed a lot to be with them as much as I can since my divorce. And that is so that they, hopefully, won't resent me later for neglecting them for my own desires.

I brought them here. Right? Why wouldn't I make their goals and aspirations, hopes and dreams, the absolute focus of my life? Sure, some can achieve that and still be career women or men, but everyone is different. My kids really needed me in this period of their life. So I sacrificed my career for them. Temporarily of course. And as long as I instill in them the reason behind hard work and effort, I believe they will one day have their own intrinsic motivation that drives them without me having to be behind the wheel.

So when someone asks me about my priorities, my kids are number one. Don't get me wrong, I want my love life to be something capable of blossoming and expanding. But if I have to sacrifice my time and energy with my kids to be the only one in a relationship trying to make it work? Nope. This is the ship I am sailing on. If a man, friends, family, etc can't love me in the process, then I will smile and move on, knowing I did what was right for me and my sweet darling girls.