Oh Sun, I Remember You!

Today was such a prime example of Arkansas weather. We woke up to a layer of ice on the ground with a few inches of snow on top. It was absolutely gorgeous.

And then it quickly began to melt.

The kids (all four of them) and I decided to try the roof for some adventure. The last time it snowed and I explored the roof, I had a crying breakthrough. Today, it was filled with laughter and snowball fights. They were having so much fun that I was absolutely distracted from all of my woes. We only lasted about fifteen minutes as we weren't properly dressed and the wind wasn't exactly kind to us. But those fifteen minutes put a ton of joy back into my soul.

As the day progressed, we watched as the parking lot completely melted and dried by about noon. The sun came out in full force and everyone stood outside, hands up welcoming the warmth. That's all we needed. Warmth. Love. Happiness.

I know today was filled with moments of frustration and bickering, fun and laughter, but I know the fun in the snow and our moment with the sun is what will likely stick with all of us. It's interesting how the mind generally holds on to the memories of moments we loved or loathed, so there must be limited space for mediocre moments.

I don't want a life full of mediocre moments. I want a memorable life. I want memorable days. The only way I can imagine attaining that goal is by always seeing things in a new way. Taking a new route or talking to someone I haven't seen in a while. Most importantly, I can't let others turn my life into the mundane. I will not become numb to negative, hopeless dribble.

No, I will see the world and all its glory each day with the thought of "what sort of fanciful things will I do today?"

Can You Meet Me Halfway?

What is it with me correlating my thoughts to songs lately? HA! Thank you Black Eyed Peas for a little inspiration.
May the muses be with you!

Today was an extremely challenging day. It started with a two hour endeavor trying to get my lady from her bed to the wheelchair to the commode. After multiple attempts with help from three different caregivers, and after I hurt my back once again, we finally ended up putting this sweet lady back in bed. There was absolutely nothing more we can do.

The problem was fear. She was afraid to use her legs because she feared they would fail her. Instead of risking the brief pain and pushing through that fear, she ended up punishing herself by staying in bed. It broke my heart to see her like that. I felt completely helpless.

As I sat with her today, I couldn't help but see an extremely important life lesson through that experience. I watched as she gave up. I literally did all that I could, but she wasn't willing to meet me halfway. (It's hard not to sing that line as I type it)

I realized this afternoon that my issues as of late with my relationships stem from that exact dilemma. When someone doesn't meet you in the middle, the other person ends up getting hurt. Of course now I am speaking of emotional pain. One person suffers at the sake of someone else's fear and refusal to be balanced in whatever type of relationship that it is.

Taking on extreme weight of the other person, whether it be favors, attention, their own struggles, time, money ... the list goes on and on! Eventually, the other person is going to snap.

At that moment, after I have realized that I allowed myself to be physically injured by her lack of effort, I also realized I was allowing myself to be neglected and unloved emotionally. And that isn't right. I should have pulled back and waited for assistance with my lady instead of putting myself in a position to be hurt. Now I can't do basic things I need to do. I also shouldn't let others stay in my life who are not willing to meet me in the middle, carry half the weight. I allowed myself to get hurt emotionally by holding on to dead weight, and this causes me to be depressed and frustrated,  making me useless to those who deserve my all and my everything, like my kids.

So that's where I am at. Standing at the borderline where I will wait for you. My b borderline is visible, and crossing it will not do either of us any good.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Once again, another song popped in my head when I thought about my subject matter for today. Look it up. Neil Sedaka, Breaking Up is Hard to Do. Oldie but goodie.

So when was the last time you ended a relationship based on what that relationship actually brought to the table? From my experience, and from my observation of friends, family, etc., I see a continuous pattern of relationships ending in a "blow up" instead of a "break up."

Why do we wait until it is at the utmost boiling point of frustration? For me,I continuously have hope that one day things will change and the desired outcome will happen. I almost martyr myself through the situation thinking these people will really see me, value me, respect me. But in reality, those things will never exist because I have given them no reason to.

When it comes to raising children, I have learned that they truly desire consistent authority. They don't need a "mean mom." They need someone to mean what she says. My kids have learned I mean what I say. It was an exhausting ten years with my oldest, but now when she gets in the car and I say, "buckle up," she doesn't hesitate. And she says, "Yes ma'am." She does it because she respects my consistent behavior to her. She respects my boundaries.

Don't get me wrong. She still has her moments as she always will. She's human, and still has a lot of developing to do.

So then if creating boundaries for a child worked (in my opinion) so well, why do I struggle with setting them for...well, everyone else?

Why do I let people snap at me? Ever.
Why do I let certain people dictate how I spend my free time with absolutely no consideration for my desires and needs?
Why do I let anyone control any aspect of my life? My happiness? My security? My hopes, dreams?

I'm actually incredibly secure emotionally. I have no doubts of my worth.
I value myself.
I know I have a LOT to give.
I am extremely good at loving.

But some people don't know this about me, or they do and they would rather continue to take from me without ever giving of themselves.

Why does this always happen to me? It's something I have seriously been struggling with. And I realized...

It's because I didn't stand up for myself.

I shouldn't have to "defend myself" to someone who I care about and says he/she cares about me. Why would anyone who cares about me, genuinely has emotional attachments, give me reason to feel judged or dissected enough to feel the need for defensive action? If that happens, they are trying to make me into something I am not. Therefore, they do not truly love who I am, nor do they value my contribution to the relationship.

So...

I am at the point in my life where being a doormat has to end. I will still smile at strangers. I will still show love to those that don't always deserve it. But I will not suffer my soul anymore to anyone not showing me the same courtesy. I will walk away and know that breaking up with you was actually pretty easy.

Keepin' it Real

I have been trying to teach my ten year old the concept of priorities.

Everything has it's level of importance, but how do I teach her what is the most important? This isn't anything new with us. It seems to be an ongoing lesson with both of my children (the other being eight years old), but lately my eldest has shown signs of a pre-teen or "tween" attitude that occasionally needs to be adjusted.

Last night, she and I had a very extensive talk regarding the point of doing well now in school as opposed to focusing on it later when tracking one's GPA and extra curricular activities are going on. I explained about the job market being extremely tough now, and she should imagine the difficulty in eight years. The interesting thing came after our discussion about GPA calculations and clubs and scholarships, etc. She asked me what it was I hoped for her by that point in her life.

I told her that my ultimate goal was that she and my youngest both could shine on their graduating stage with honors. I told her that she was blessed with natural abilities that shouldn't be wasted as she continues to mature. But what I said next made her really perk up to my challenge.

I explained my own lack of effort in school and my inability to get scholarships, thus making college life extremely difficult. I pointed out that I have a degree from a decent school, but not one that screams "Hire me!" And for that I have not worked in my field in 2 years. But most importantly, I wanted her to know that I would always love her no matter what. I want the absolute best for both of my baby girls. I have sacrificed a lot to be with them as much as I can since my divorce. And that is so that they, hopefully, won't resent me later for neglecting them for my own desires.

I brought them here. Right? Why wouldn't I make their goals and aspirations, hopes and dreams, the absolute focus of my life? Sure, some can achieve that and still be career women or men, but everyone is different. My kids really needed me in this period of their life. So I sacrificed my career for them. Temporarily of course. And as long as I instill in them the reason behind hard work and effort, I believe they will one day have their own intrinsic motivation that drives them without me having to be behind the wheel.

So when someone asks me about my priorities, my kids are number one. Don't get me wrong, I want my love life to be something capable of blossoming and expanding. But if I have to sacrifice my time and energy with my kids to be the only one in a relationship trying to make it work? Nope. This is the ship I am sailing on. If a man, friends, family, etc can't love me in the process, then I will smile and move on, knowing I did what was right for me and my sweet darling girls.

Lessons in Caring for People... and Violets

I woke up this morning groggy and really sore. Couch sleeping will do that to you. I also awoke with a desire for some sort of anxiety pill. Anything to take the edge off of my constant state of unease.

No such luck, though. Just suck it up and figure out how to push through. It's what I do.

So, here I am. I've been out of town since Wednesday night, making myself completely available to a man who is emotionally unavailable to me. In reality, though, I am making myself available to his mother.

After a horrible wreck two weeks ago, she needed surgery. I came to help with anything she needed, as well as emotional support for him. The interesting thing was how she and I connected while we waited on him to park and come inside. That was our first opportunity for "girl talk," and I was so happy we had that moment.

Today, I am here caring for her, and I have to say, I have thoroughly enjoyed her company. I feel like the anxiety I woke with this morning slowly slipped from my heart during our chats. I enjoyed seeing her smile and we laughed at the frustration of pillows not being just right.

As we sat and chatted at the kitchen table, sipping coffee together, there was a wave of peace between us both. A sense of calm. We both sighed without saying a thing, and I knew this was helping her heal. And it dawned on me she wasn't the only one receiving healing at that moment.

After the kitchen was clean and blankets were folded, and she was comfortable, I got to thinking later how the violets I got her probably needed to be replanted. When I pulled them out of the cute little basket with butterflies glued along the handle, I realized there was a liner inside where it will hold water. What a nice surprise! So I poured a small amount of water inside and opened the blinds to let in a an equally small amount of sunshine. That's all they needed. Just the tiniest amount of water and sun gives the violets the perfect conditions for a continuous blossom.

Isn't that the case with all of us, though? Tender loving care even in the smallest form, if done with joy in our heart and peace in our soul, can have a huge impact on another human being. Why would I give more attention and love to my car that needs a bath, my cowgirl boots that need shining, my hair that needs roots done, etc. than I do to someone close to me?

It made each aspect of hearing my name called that much more a sense of duty and respect to jump up and be of service. Who am I to complain? I wasn't in a car wreck. I didn't go from complete independence to relying on others to do basic necessities.

Throughout today, my thoughts have run wild about miracles and trials, blessings and stress. Listening again to her story of the accident made me realize something so incredibly simple, yet to me was absolutely profound:
Lives are precious. And temporary.
You matter.
I matter.
We all need to be reminded how much we matter to one another.
Sometimes, all it takes is a little sunshine, and a pouring out of the soul.

What is Love?

First, did the title immediately make you sing a line from Haddaway's version? I did!!
BUT... I was being completely sincere in my question.

What IS love? That four letter word has been the bane of human existence probably since the dawn of time. Why is it we can conquer the ability to fly, go to the moon, build unimaginable creations for humans to advance, but the concept of love is still amazingly taboo.

I generally go straight to the Bible for my answers on love. From what Jesus taught, love is a matter of sacrifice. Yeah, there's the 1 Cor 13 list, but how can you express patience without sacrifice?

For example.
The flesh, or our human nature- instinct if you will- desires satisfaction. Think of Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. "I Want it NOW!

Being selfish doesn't have to be a child grabbing a toy. Adults probably show more signs of selfishness than children. I think sometimes it stems from the thought of being an adult entitles one to act and expect certain things to happen the way they want it to.

Sometimes, smiling and nodding at a stranger is a sacrifice. I may feel like absolute crap, or maybe I have been in a frustrating situation, but that person does not deserve my anger. No one does.

Humans are emotional creatures. Why? For Christians, we believe it is a way to connect to our creator. He expressed the utmost love to us; he even showed anger and disappointment. God is an emotional being, and he craves our love for him.

Love. Such a hard concept to master. Yet, in reality, it is one of the easiest things you can do to improve the quality of someone's life.

1 Cor 13
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

In other words...
Everyone on Earth craves affection. Everyone craves gentleness and kindness, modesty and confidence, respect and forgiveness, amd especially peace.

Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself."
This is yet another dilemma people of today struggle deeply with. Self-love is not the same as loving ones self. If you always put yourself on the throne of your life, everyone else will end up falling short of your superiority. If your focus is always how others affect you, how others annoy you, how others don't meet your needs, there is genuinely something wrong.

Instead, loving yourself indicates value in your presence in other's lives. How can you better the other person's day, life, situation? What is your skill set to be a benefit to others? What do you value about yourself to show others through your sacrificial love? REGARDLESS if the other person shows IMMEDIATE appreciation. That isn't WHY someone sacrifices.

Simple example:
One should never wash someone's car as a favor and be mad when they didn't thank you correctly. That defeats the point in your act of service, sacrificing your time and energy for someone else. Losing your cool and not continuing to show love will wipe away the act completely, and it will all be for naught.
Instead, show love. Sacrifice the need to bite someone's head off and watch as the love you showed smooths the prickly edges of your conquest. When they call you up and say, "Hey...did I say thank you for ___... I meant to, but I was having a hard time with ___" and you will find peace in knowing you touched someone's soul that day.

That, my fellow humans, that is Love.

Longing to be Dancing With the Daffodils

In the midst of all this dreary weather, I find myself longing for warmth. Yes, with all this cold there's the benefit of fire places and warm cozy blankets curled up with the one you love, but that's not my reality.

I drove to work this morning with a new perspective on what I thought was my love life. The rain didn't help my mood, and I kept wondering if my head would explode from all of my thoughts not yet addressed and from the pressure on my sinuses.

In my mind, for two months (I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but to me it felt like so much more), I had a love life. But recently, I realized I was the only one in that life of love. I was giving of myself so much that I neglected things that make me who I am. I constantly wrestled with the idea of putting myself a little bit higher of a priority, but for the sake of love, I didn't.

Patience, sacrifice, and long suffering were the bulk of how I existed in this relationship. My friends thought I was crazy. I thought I was in love.

Could it be I was simply desperate to be loved in return? That's the conclusion I have made so far. I think deep down that if I rubbed his feet every time he asked, did activities he wanted to do, let him do all the talking, etc etc, he would see how important I saw him and he would love me.

How dumb.
How absolutely ridiculous.

I am smart. I have beautiful things to say. I have a gift of loving others in the midst of their immaturity and ignorance, aka patience and long suffering. I am a beautiful person inside and out. However, I am not perfect. And despite my efforts to be the best possible person and give my absolute best, I will always fall short because I am not and never will be perfect. But at least I tried. As I always will. Only from now on, I will no longer neglect the things that make me...me.

I will love myself first. I will give of myself 100%. And I will expect nothing less in return.

And now, I see the daffodils, dancing all in rows. Smiling and singing songs of cheer.